“Oh say can you see…by the dawns early light…what so proudly we hailed…at the twilights last gleaming…whose broad stripes and bright stars…”

OK…enough about the fourth of July because it aint just about the seppos. Sure, it’s their birthday…but it was also Grazzas. And we all prefer Graz to the land of fake tits but real arseholes. Anyway, it proved to be a day for record-setting. There, in Coney Island Joey Chestnut consumed 68 (yes 68) hot dogs in ten minutes to take the Nathans title for the third year in a row, but half a world away records of another kind were being set that may not get the media coverage of the gluttonous trenchermen but were satisfying just the same.

Match three of the Ashes series was to take place.

England had some late changes with the captaincy being handed to Graz as Jezza couldn’t make it.

Anyway, Australia won the toss and elected to bat.

As per usual I don’t have the scoresheet so I will do my best to recall the numbers as I actually want to mention a bit of cricket in this because a few have you have suggested that in some in past reports I have tended to stray off the subject of the game.

Anyone see the Williams sisters last night? Joel Garner couldn’t make em grunt louder. I am amazed how quickly they can move. Most people from Compton in LA tend to just lie around when they are on the grass. It was mentioned by some of you that I may have a “thing” for Serena because I have been giving the minging Four-Door a bit of stick on Facebook but it just isn’t true. There is nothing subliminal about my feelings for her. Sure, she’s got a better figure than most that I have been involved with of recent times but I couldn’t hoist it for her. She could try all sorts of things to fire me up but all I would get is a “Tim Henman”. Description: A penis that promises a lot but fails to achieve anything resembling hardness. In fact it only reaches the semi stage.

Poor old Tim…he was a boy in a mans world. Tims fingerprints may still be on the couch that Andy Murray will be occupying in the coming weeks. At least McEnroe had anger-management therapy where no tears were involved. Still, I’d buy Andy a drink.

“Pint of concrete thanks barman.”

Malcolm Norquoy should be head-hunted by the British Sports Council and put in charge of their “At least appear to be hard program”. At least he can carry it off despite having a texture that borders between poached egg and fresh blancmange.

Pete Alexander may be able to teach em a thing or two also but I feel that his delivery may just lead to more lining up for that comfy couch. Still, probably a better option than the Graham Norton approach that has been employed by Audley Harrison.

I was gonna go up to the Old Brown Shoe for a Sunday roast but I need to complete something that has slipped my mind…oh yeah…cricket.

The English womens team have been shaf…shaft…(I cant really say “shafting” can I?)…lets go with “plating”…yes, the English girls have been plating the daylights out of the Aussie birds in the series. Recently they have chewing up everything that has been put in front of em. Good luck to em.

Singapore ashes?

OK. I’m hearin’ ya.

Andy Beer and Dean Kelly opened the batting against the bowling pair of Phil and Bird Wetherill. Phil was seriously steaming in and bowled quicker than anything I have seen for a while. The ball was flying off the bat and a quick outfield saw the score steadily increase and resulted in both the boys retiring and giving Australia the best start we have ever had in ashes history. This was very crucial as this then frees up the middle order to go on the attack. And attack they did. In an explosive hour or so sixes seemed to be struck at will with Dorns and Pete both doing what they do best and retiring also. Inzy…hmm…Inzy. He was out there for a little bit and it was mentioned that he was batting a little slow. He was only on 5 runs. Then Graz came on to bowl. (Sorry Graz but it’s gotta be told) At the end of the over Inzy also retired on 37. 666446 I believe…nice. I think we were 155 at drinks after the 15^th over.

England hadn’t helped their cause with a few dropped catches…some easy…some difficult but when Bruce Griggsy then retired we were over 200 for no loss.

Adam Martin then contributed to the six-a-thon as did Hammer, Henry Duddy and new recruit Matt Kuppe to see Oz finish their 30 overs on 309. If I had the sheet I would confirm but it has been suggested that between 25-30 sixes were struck. One of Inzys went so far that the groundsman crossed the intersection and went a good 40 yards down the side street to retrieve it. It came back in a weird shape having been run over by a vehicle of some kind.

Tremendous effort from the team bearing in mind that the previous best ashes score I believe, was 234. Everyone went well but for me, Andy and Dean enabled it to happen. Their opening stand gave us the invaluable insurance that retirees provide.

But a total has to be defended and as a team we knew that England had to throw the bat and throw it hard. As Handsy did on the third ball of Hammers first over when his effortless “block” found the middle and sailed over the road and into the bus shelter.

New boy Matt took a sharp catch at slip to dismiss Ed Moloney a few overs later off Griggsy and this brought Phil to the crease who not long after skied a ball very very high and we awaited the result. But it seemed that it was Hammer who was under it and…well…you know…he never drops em.

A captains knock was required in these circumstances and Graz joined Handsy to provide just that .After ten overs England were 90 and just off the required pace. Both lads hit a good amount of sixes also and the flow needed to be stemmed, which Hammer did with his second brief spell from the road end.

Handsy and Graz retired also and we had a feeling we would be seeing them again in an hours time. Alex Hobbs scored a few as did Will Halliday who has a bit of talent also and dented the clubhouse a few times as well.

Jig and Elliott, who were spectators had the unenviable task of being “ball boys” and regularly crossing the road as we were running out of suitable pills. I reckon 6-7 balls were used during the game…all were not lost…just “rotated”.

Henry Duddy and Adam Martin really stepped up in a team that seemed to be a little light on bowlers and both did exceptional jobs for their captain, as did Griggsy who ripped the hamstring while batting and was restricted to a two step run up.

I reckon Lats was “3 parts” when he came to the crease but it didn’t stop him taking to me with both the bat, and the mouth, when one ball cleared the rope.

Same said for Salty who was run out in strange circumstances.

Pearcy did well with the bat also late in the innings and when Khanage “retired hurt” after facing one ball we met Handsy again. Alex, how can you be “hurt” when I never even got the chance to call you what you are?

Rob scored a few more before falling to a good catch from Dudders on the boundary and this saw the capitano return to the crease and a few more sixes took his days total to fifty-odd.

In the end England scored almost 240 which would normally win the game and it was a gallant effort from all concerned. You missed Jezza and we missed Sully. He’s normally good for an extra twenty runs in the field so 329 woulda been great.

To absent friends: Moose and Juzzy were given regular score updates and their encouragement to the team was appreciated. I couldn’t sit still in Oz last year when I was missing games so I know what it’s like.

It’s hard to give a man of the match in a game such as this but it was agreed, for sheer bewildering excitement that Inzy provided most for the crowd so he got it.

For England it was Rob Hands. All class. But running a close second was Graz as the two of them both passed the half century mark and gave as much back to Australia as our batsmen had given to their bowlers. No pints of concrete for you two.

So, that’s it for another year. Well done to Australia and we finish with the knowledge that England will come back stronger next year.

The sun set, the beer flowed, Pearcy tried muscling his way into and Australian team photo…(and me guesses he wont be doing that again)

Anyway, take heart England, and learn from the experience…things can get better.

Afterall, couches aint just for sitting on.

So it was the Spirits Ken Gordons last game in Singapore before returning to Perth. We decided to field a strong team that would do damage both on the pitch and in the bar should we get rained out. We turned up at midday when it was looking 50/50with the rain gods spitting flirtatiously on the Coconut Bowl  below. Flirtation turned to a mild spit and as the heavens continued to threaten. 

As a tropical storme started to brew we decided to do a pitch Vs bar inspection...the bar seemed by far the better alternative so we settled in to an afternoon of beer and curry. By 3pm many comrades had returned home preferring to cash in some pink points for another occasion - the remainder had already overspent their cache of pink points in the first hour of Christmas celebrations, so couldnt return home until sobriety peeked through the clouds somwhere around 7pm.

In an almost dryspell the bright idea of having a 7 over 7 aside hit and giggle floated by.... well it was Kens last game, so what could we do but oblige. So risking over throws of the vomiting kind we peeled back the covers and shook the beer out of our boxes.

Abhi skippered Misfits & Ken the Spirits... Abhi won the toss and elected to field - well it was more like paddling. The Spirits knocked yo up a quick 67 as bars of soap were swatted around the ground and Misfits (Grazza) used the CSC pond to hone their sliding tackle technique.

The Misfit  reply got off to a sweaty, panting & almost hospitalizing start with both Lenso Blaxhall & Sambuco Nishla having to run quick (not really) two's and even a few threes...made somewhat more difficult than normal, given the 3 hour gastronomic extravaganza from Casa CSC.

In any case the slightly more agile Gaurav, Nara, Abhi & Grazza saw the good fellas home splashing 68 with a few balls to spare.  The sun showed its face long enough for captains speeches and for Ranga to be awarded Misfits man of the match for putting the Spirits our of contention with 4 wides in his 1 over...yes he played for the oppo but obviously had his Misfit underpants on under his Spirits pantaloons.

An all round splendid day ended with an obligatory aquaplane competition and protesting taxi drivers refusing to give any of the swimming team carriage.

Good luck & bon voyage Sir Ken - your a top chap and will surely be missed by Spirits & Misfits alike.

In the cold light of today (and after leaving my entire kit bag and contents outside to dry out for 2 days), this was a match we would have won without the intervention of a monsoon and severe flooding.

We were chasing down a very modest total of 107 to win off 25 overs and after 8.5 overs we were 53 for 4 with plenty of batting to come. At that rate another 9 overs would have been more than sufficient. The fact is we should probably already have won even before the intervention of the latest fresh water lake in Singapore. The old adage, catches win matches is so true and by my reckoning we dropped 7 of them, all with two hands and in the case of keeper Mikey with two gloves.

Losing the toss was no problem as our bowling proved to be just too good for the SCC batsmen who struggled to get the ball off the square. At the halfway stage they were 31 for 4 and only some big hitting by Pete Workman and Yarpie Dustin Yates got them over the 100 mark. All our bowlers performed remarkably well on what is usually a difficult track to bowl on. Toddy was unlucky not to get a wicket with some lively bowling around head height (most bounced first). At the other end Pearcy was equally miserly and picked up a wicket. Latts came on and bowled his 5 overs taking 2 wickets for 5 runs and I bowled well for 4 overs taking 2 wickets for not many. My fifth over is best forgotten as it disappeared over the fence for 23 but by then SCC were trying to hit the skin off the ball. Ravi bowled well at the death and took a wicket for not many.

Knowing that bad weather was on the way we had a quick turnaround and Juzzy went in with new boy Dharmik. Juzzy promptly ran himself out for a quacker (direct throw from their 14 year old colt) and Mr Angry Alexander went in with instructions to get the game over with quickly. Pete took the skipper’s instructions literally and popped the ball up for a dolly and in went Nishla! Not the desired start but soon the runs were coming as Nish and Ravi scored a few before getting out and Dharmik played a great cameo before getting out in the final over bowled before the deluge for 34.

For those of you who have never been there, the Dempsey Field is in a bowl, with running water on two sides. The cricket tent has been erected on a mound of gravel which quickly became an island as the rain fell and Dempsey reservoir was formed on the pitch. Around the tent ran the new white water section of the Dempsey river, and there we stayed for an hour.

Fortunately Pete had brought the Misfits cooler down to the pitch so we at least downed a few beers. I suggested we offer a token can or two to SCC but this was flatly refused by the team and assorted Misfit voyeurs. When we finished the last tin we waded through knee high water up to the changing block and then helped SCC drink their beers!

It was at this stage that I discovered that my car keys had fallen out of my pocket and were probably halfway to the South China Sea. A search party was formed and after a couple of passes over the pitch Pearcy the Magnificent bent down and found them for me. Even more miraculously the electronic key still worked so I was able to give Pearcy a lift down to Harry’s for more Misfit beers and banter.

Nuff said – Saltie

It's hard to believe now that barely a week has gone by.
The dark days that preceded that otherwise unextraordinary Saturday in late May are as if consigned to another era.
Few people will ever experience such cathartis; few, the opportunity to carve their names great in the annals of history.

My name is Lats. And this is my story.

Mine was an ordinary childhood.
My parents, Maureen and Dave, met in their late teens and found a common bond. My father, Maureen, had been mercilessly teased about his name, and so too had Dave, my mother.
They hit upon the idea of exchanging names, although the bullying did not stop completely until they hit on the idea of exchanging wardrobes also.
They had planned that I should follow in the family chimney-sweeping business as my elder brother was approaching eight, and considering retirement.

It seemed natural that I would play cricket, as I had tried every other sport and was crap at those.
As a boy I would pick up the papers and read about the exploits of Compton and Edrich.
I often wondered what it would be like to step out on the hallowed turf at Lords.
I wondered also, how Botham, Gooch and Gatting were doing in the West Indies and why we hadn't bought a newspaper for 40 years.

As soon as I was big enough to fill my own box, I headed off to the local club and signed up for the U12 team.
In my first game I was a roaring success, top-scoring and taking 3 wickets. However, when they found out that I was 19, I was forced to play with the grown-ups and my cricketing career took a turn for the worse.

And thus it has been. For the best part of 25 years, I have toiled with the holy grail of cricket - a winning formula for a cricket match.

Much like everyone else, I have used tried and trusted methods. Putting the right shoe on first; not washing the lucky underpants, a medium doner on the night before a game to soak up the beer. All to no avail.
Then one night it came to me.
I had been watching re-runs of Carol Vorderman solving particularly tricky maths equations on YouTube when it hit me. I was bolt upright in bed, but ignoring that, I sat up.

It was my Eureka moment.

rs
V = ------ >1
or

I reached for some paper and, once I had cleaned up, thought I'd better write it down as well.
Could it be so simple?
Could victory be assured if the number of runs scored divided by the number of opposition runs is greater than 1?

There was one person I knew I could ask. I have a friend in the UK and we often share taxing little conundrums lke this with each other.
I phoned him first thing in the morning.
He started me with an easy one, "Do you know what the bleedin' time is?", he asked.
I explained my theory to him.
"It's a cricket match, not rocket science", he replied, with generous (possibly excessive) usage of the word 'f***ing'.
But I wasn't convinced.

Just a few days later, NASA replied to my email and it turns out my friend was right after all. But I was not to be deterred, and shortly after that I was leading a team out at CSC to prove my theory.

Here is the match report I wrote at the time -

I have broken my duck; popped my cherry; visited the scoutmaster's hut; taken communion with the Bishop - call it what you will, I have finally won a game of cricket as Captain.
True, we did have superiority in numbers, but come on - 11 vs 10 is hardly Rorkes Drift is it?

I was hoping to have a copy of the scorecard. Not only would it have made for a more accurate report, but I could have framed it and hung it next to my favourite cricketing picture - Freddie, pissed on a pedalo.

Arriving at the ground, I was surprised to discover that I knew most of the players. The one exception was Sivam, who I was reliably informed had played a decent standard, but not for a few years.
The toss proved largely irrelevant - we were going to bat, they were going to field, but we won it nonetheless.
Sivam and Dharmik opened up. Sivam was first to fall, offering a return catch to the bowler. This brought James Black to the crease and the first controversial incident of the day. The change bowler bowled a slow - and I mean slow - looping delivery to James, but as the ball was in flight moved across my line of sight as umpire. Even leaning to my right I could not see the ball at point of impact, following which there was a confident appeal. I had little option but to give not-out. In Dharmik's opinion, it was plum, and James admitted, "I wouldn't have been disappointed to have been given out.
James further compounded my error by despatching three of the remaining five deliveries of the over into the school.
The bowler gained revenge in his next over however, trapping Dharmik in front for 25, and having James hole out for a brisk 30 trying to repeat his earlier shots.
In comes Pete who played a typical Alexander innings combining watchful defence (the first ball) with savage brutality (the remainder of the innings), and Rob Azzopardi for second controversial moment of the day. Another slow, looping delivery involved, this one a big full-toss. Rob's eyes lit up, his bat carved through the air, but the only sound of wood on leather was when the ball crashed into the top of his off-stump. Giri called no-ball for being over waist height, and much discussion followed.
At the 15 over drinks break, Misfits had 120 on the board.
Pete retired on 50, Nish came and went, and Shane Ryan came in to stabilise the innings. We slowed in overs 20-25, but a little flurry at the end saw Shane also retiring, and Misfits setting BC a formidable 239 for victory.

We opened with Ravi bowling his 'mediums' and 13 year old Pat 'Small beer' Beveridge.
Pat offered an object lesson in adhering to the principles of line and length, and also in working on the new ball which came back at the end of each over with one side as smooth and shiny as Todd's head on a humid day (Ravi, take note). He used it too, shaping the ball away from the right-hander and more than once inducing a false stroke. He soon got his reward, with the opening bat attempting to nurdle the ball through mid-wicket and popping a leading edge to mid-off.
Pat completed his spell, bowling 6 overs, 1 maiden, 1-16, an outstanding performance in a game that averaged around 7 runs per over.
The next wicket to fall was immediately before the drinks break, when the batsmen took on Pete's arm from the boundary and lost. Shane barely had to move as the ball sizzled in over the top of the stumps with the batsman two yards short.
At the interval, BC were only 2 down, but with a mountain to climb in terms of run rate.
There was another run out shortly after, this time with Pete in a reversed role behind the stumps.
Misfit bowlers were rotated with some regularity, Sivam bowled an inpressive 3 overs, Dharmik bowled an appalling first over but later redeemed himself. Possible controversial moment No.3 came when Todd gave Dharmik's shout for LBW. Considering it took the batsmen 5 minutes to leave the crease, but then only 30 seconds to get in his car and leave the ground makes me suspect he didn't like the decision.
The other days notable bowling performace came from Rob A, taking 3-22 thanks to some fine Misfit catching (yes, really!). Man of the match though was young Postman Pat who opened the bowling, pinning back their top order. Nothing much to say apart...we all felt amzingly proud to see our 13yr old Misfit Prodigee bowl so awsomely to finish with the great figures of  6 Overs, 1 Wk, 1 Mdn for 16 Runs...

British Club finished the overs some 60 runs short 8 wickets down.

A fine Misfit performace, and possibly the longest match report on record.

When the guys rocked up on Saturday to CSC, for our hurriedly arranged home versus home friendly, I’m guessing the Cavern based self named Kamasutra Caverners didn’t know they’d taken on the nom de plume of the second studio album by Colombian-American reggaeton singer-songwriter Adassa, whose song "De Tra" reached #40 on Billboards Latin Tropical Airplay chart!

Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure that I'd heard that track being pumped out of the speakers stationed next to scorer Loraine’s desk at some part of the afternoon. Hell with the music so loud I’m guessing that guys back at the Cavern in Boat Quay heard it!

It was rather an odd start to the day as, for once, neither side looked particularly hung over, a rare occurrence indeed.

I’ve no idea who one the toss but Misfits batted first and Kamasutra Caverners marched onto the field, spirits seemingly high.

Giri and yours truly were umpiring. Giri resplendent in what only could be described as something the Riddler discarded from those camp Batmans of the 1960’s, while I wore a dodgy Panama hat, which I’m sure Childsy tried to remove with a pull shot at one point.

Toddy opened the bowling against two fellow Antipodeans, Juzzy and Inzy. After a couple of sighters outside the off stump, Toddy dropped a couple short, which Juzzy dispatched behind square. In the second over Inzy also found the ropes.

Now Toddy obviously had a game plan and decided that he would pepper Juzzy with short stuff on the leg side… which Juzzy duly sent past/over Giri to the boundary. Now fair play to Toddy, with a little bit more luck, and a certain extra mobility on the part of the fielders’ runs would have been cut off and Juzzy would have been taken in the deep.

Eventually a short ball to Inzy was smashed towards square leg, but the Caverners skipper, in a judicial piece of strategic manoeuvring, had moved ever reliable Nara to deep square and he pouched what looked like a regulation catch, which in reality would have flown over for six!

In walks Childsy.

As yet not one run had been scored on the off side and, to add to Toddy’s frustration, the last ball of the over was also swung away on the leg side for four.

Fourth over saw Childs and Inzy hit a couple of boundaries, and at this point Misfits are at a very healthy 40- off four overs.

Then the inevitable decline.

We see changes of bowling at both ends as everyone has to bowl two overs. Second ball of Ramesh’s over Juzzy tries another big one, misjudges and is caught comfortably.

The next four overs are pretty quiet, punctuated by only a couple of boundaries from Childsy, but Misfits’ Sumit and Goddard fall in quick order. As usual Misfits Abhi and Ranga pick up wickets, despite quite obvious orders from Ramesh to keep them hanging around! ...Bowlers eh!

Childsy had been surprising docile until this point, His only feat of note, in the eighth over, is where he managed to score the Misfits first runs on the offside... it’s absolutely true… a rather fortuitous outside edge that ballooned down to third man.

At the fall of the fourth wicket old boy Misfit Griggsy walks in… now, could I tell you what he got up to in the early 1990’s… but the music appeared to do the trick as the Lord Admiral came on to bowl. Griggsy took guard to the strains of ‘In the Navy’ by the Village People. This of course was followed by his personal theme tune ‘YMCA’.

Griggsy, a swashbuckling lower middle order batsman of old, appears to have mellowed a wee bit and began scratching his way around. At the same time Childsy was just starting to find his rhythm as Ranga and Ahbi were dispatched around the ground.

Ahbi was treated particularly severely as Childsy unleashed a couple of massive straight drives, over the ropes, for six.

Griggsy was starting to find his feet but at this point Childsy on reached forty and had to retire back to the shed.

Taking on the mantle of senior pro Griggsy tried to marshal the tail as best he could but James Henderson, Andy Covel and Matt English all fell in quick succession, as Toddy came back to harass the lower order.

In walks young Jack Whiskin. If ever there was a name from a 19th century story of colonial intrigue and adventure this is one; Think Sharpe, or Flashman.

He, like Griggsy, looked a wee bit shaky to begin with but the two of them cleverly compiled runs, before the elder statesman of the partnership hit all over a very slow straight one.

“Mate, it drifted in a fair bit....right?” - I was asked by Griggsy at tea.

“Yes mate.” – .....I lied.

At 119 for 8, the innings was looking shaky.

Chris Pattinson joined young Whiskin and they managed to drag the score along to 141 before Rangga uprooted Pattersons stumps.

Childsy joined young Jack and they both played well to bring the misfits to 169 as Childsy was out for 49 in the last over.

A rather stuttering innings, with momentum upset through out.

Adding to Childsy’s 49, Jack, batting at 9, scored 41 not out, Griggsy 19 and the only other Misfit to reach double figures was Juzzy with 13.

Best of the Royal bowlers; Toddy 6-0-28-2 and Rangga 4-1-22-2

At tea rather ominous black clouds began to gather behind CSC and after 5 overs of the Caverners innings the game was over as the heavens opened. In that time Griggsy managed to take a good catch, down at fine leg to dismiss Dhruva, off Matt English.

Beers were opened, boxes drunk out of, a bottle of Johnny Walker & Smirnoff miracurously appeared and another good (half) day of cricket was had by all....though no one can quite remember the night...

Pommies breed pommies. Mediocrity breeds mediocrity.

One need look no further than our Misfit english bretheren with their four years of dissapointment.

After four years of rubbish results it was only natural the poms would be carrying some serious mental baggage coming into 2009 Ashes series. This would soon prove all too much with the English house of cards about to come crushing down like never before.

To the Poms credit they played 26 minutes of competitive cricket.

Flaming Nick Dorney never being afraid of the back door let Childsy sneak one in his back alley for 14 with Juzzy's comeback game ending shortly after for 3. 2-37 after 26 minutes.

Enter Inzy. A true misfit he had fuelled himself on misfit fuel to the early hours of saturday morning to see him well placed for a big 2009 series. 53 unanswered runs from 44 balls followed, with the 50 notably brought up before the enforced retirement.

Hoosier didn't muck around with a run a ball 26. Marto ended Sully's defective spin career taking 22 from his last over.

Pete, having been MIA for an hour or two, finally graced us with his presence but should not have bothered. Whether still under the influence or suffering from just plain stupidness, Pete forgot one was required to remain behind the crease and found himself run-out for zero at the non-strikers end.

Perhaps Pete knew Baggers was about to unleash the beast and got out of the way. Baggers was on a mission and took the axe to the Pommy attack blasting 3 sixes in his 44 from 26 balls. He was well supported by Kell with a solid 25.

Hammer inked in another duck just to keep the average up.

That brought to a close the Ozzie innings at 8 for 235. A great effort and a record breaking Ashes score.

Grazza & Perkins took on the big task ahead for the Poms. They confronted an Australian opening bowling lineup resembling the offspring of Paul Sironen, Hammer & Charlie.

Grazza, still upset his doctor told him he could no longer use his head instead of the bat decided cricket was no longer for him and departed for zero. Perkins followed shortly after for 9 giving Hammer & Charlie one scalp each.

Poms 2-18 with a lot of responsibility resting on the shoulders of Precious Phil. Precious did his best to bore the Aussies to death whilst his countrymen crumbled around him.

Pete, still wondering where the rest of his finger is was trapped in front by Hammer for 12. Jezza couldn't find the rage and quickly found himself back at the bar for 7 in what was to be a blinding spell by Toddy.

“All I Wanna Do is Back Away Sully” offered some resistance with a pokey 25 but will likely suffer nightmares of Hammer running in at him for the next few weeks.

Best of the rest was Lats unbeaten on 15 before Precious Phil finally holed out to a blinding catch by Flamer in the outfield for 39.

Hammer with 3-32 bowled well whilst Toddy stole the show bagging 5 wickets. A great effort and I believe a smile may have even been spotted afterwards.

Poms dusted for a meagre 127. Another ashes record for the biggest losing margin.

Record score & record loss.

A lot of work to do chaps.

Man of the match honours were shared by Inzy and Toddy.

I was planning on writing this report on Sunday while the events of the previous days CSC sixes were fresh on my mind. But then I looked at the Sydney newspapers on the web and the Pauline Hanson nude snaps (circa 1976) leapt out at me and it was them that occupied my thoughts for the rest of the day. I dunno about you guys, but I would. There is something about that skanky ho that did it for me from the time of her opening address to Parliament back in ’96. There is a little bit of masochist in all of us and, with Pauline, that urge would be fulfilled. Can you imagine coming home late and pissed to be met by that at the front door? KEY-RYST! Imagine doing what Nara did a year back and having to explain it to her. The consequences beggar belief. She’s an uneducated low-life scumbag from two-head city who progressed in life from a supermarket, to a fish and chip shop, to offending most of the world, and is a blood-nut to boot! Absolutely nothing going for her sorry-self but given half a chance I’d nail the slag. Look out Pauline! I’m comin after ya……S%#$@ (sensors translation - woman of immoral virtue).

Okie dokie…that’s outta the way…..now where was I? Oh yeah, Pauline Hanson. My ex-wife took scowling lessons from Pauline. Truly, that’s what I think has led to my curiosity. With Pauline you just know that whatever you do, it aint gonna be anywhere near good enough and that is what I am used to. In a way I sorta miss having a female critic. After a decade of being single I am just beginning to feel semi-good about myself and, believe me, it’s a frightening position to be in. Uncharted territory. Being that my ex hasn’t even spoken to me for 4 years, (and in that time no other woman has considered knowing me well enough to dissect my character and heap abuse upon it) I am gonna throw it to the floor in the hope that Pauline reads this report. Gimme a bell beatch. 9094 6540. Never done a ginger minger.

It was the first competitive tournament for 2009 on Saturday and the line-up was Hammer, Me, Grazza, Abhi, Nara, Pete Muruthi. (3 all)

Nish and Giri were there to support.

Ramesh came down also.

Mikey appeared (3-7)

Here we go again. It’s been a year since I wrote a report, and as usual, I can’t recall the actual details of the games. We won the first one. Lost the second. Won the third. And lost in the semi.

It was a general consensus among the boys that we had never seen Giri in such a state. But it was a positive thing. For the first time in recent memory he could blame alcohol for the shit that was coming out his mouth.

I’m so bored with this.

Anyway, Hammer won the batter of the day award for some huge sixes and some other team won the event.

Pauline won a seat in Parliament back in ’96 and went on to found a political party called “One Nation” which she pronounced as “One Asian”. Now she has a chance to win my heart. C’mon Carrot-Muff, you know where I am.

Sitting at my desk at 10am on the morning of the match the side was looking good - we boasted strength in batting, variation in bowling, youth in the field, and a handful of experienced campaigners.

Arriving at the ground at 12-30 (for a 1pm start) we had 5, going out for the toss we had 6 and as we took to the field to begin the match we had 9 (including 2 of the Lloyds guys and a CSC barman)

Typically this is not ideal preparation for a game but we did have re-inforcements on the way. Toddy was summoned from his deathbed and Adam Martin given directions from SCC to CSC (he got confused as to what ground we were playing at, he is Australian).

New boy Sandy and I took the new pill. He bowled well, I served up a load of shit (think Ashes and double it)

The early introduction of Nik-Clunge, a last minute recruit from SCC (yes Pete, that’s SCC) brought the early scoring rate down. Ben Plant (Ringer, courtesy of our friends The Spirits) also bowled well.

At the drinks interval Lloyds sat at the enviable position of 75-0 from 15 overs. Both their players looked in good touch but without really punishing anyone too heavily (except me)

After the drinks break the heavens opened a little wider and the light rain that had engulfed the first session turned into more of a constant drizzle.

Snoop was thrown the ball and with the tummy pains subsiding (the reason he gave for pulling out of the fixture in the first place) he ran in and bowled a tremendous spell of aggressive fast bowling picking up a couple of key wickets.

Pete Muruthi bowled well, managing to grip an ever increasingly wet ball and the Lloyds finished their innings at 180.

The task was never going to be easy but with a bit of luck and some determined batting a sensational victory for the Misfits could be on the cards.

Juzzy and Mr CSC Barman strode to the crease. Juzzy looked in imperious form dispatching 2 of the first 3 balls he faced to the boundary, unfortunately the third of that set took his outside edge and he was heading back to the sheds. Misfits 8-1

I was in the next and soon joined by the Chris, on loan from the opposition after Mr CSC was dismissed for 0. It was truly one of the best ducks I had ever seen; he faced 12 balls, missed 11 balls (all the same shot, which if he had connected we would have been close to winning the match) and stumped on the 12^th. A generous round of applause from the home crowd, well, the Curry lady who had taken on Mr CSC’s bar duties on during his knock and he was back to work.

With the clouds departed Chris and I attempted to make inroads into the required total. At 80-2 at drinks we were well on course.

At 120-2 we were getting close, unfortunately that was as close as it was going to get. Chris departed for a well made 25 and I soon after for 73.

The rest of the lads tried valiantly but we fell short by 40 runs.

Speeches were made, Heineken was drunk and Toddy lectured the visitors about the ways to spot/grope a ladyboy ‘packing heat’

With a couple of regular Misfits in the ranks we could have run them a little closer.

Great efforts.

Some time back I checked out The Misfits website and saw that a guy called James Morley had become a member. This excited me because I sorta grew up (well spent years) with a bloke of the same name.

Look it up.

Google is your friend.

James is the golf pro at Monash Golf Club in Sydney.

I thought I was gonna meet him again here.

Wrong.

This James is a pom with greying hair.

“My James” is better.

Ooooohhhhh…it makes me smile to think about it.

As a kid, I used to play a lot of golf.

It was my sport.

So James Morley was the assistant pro at Long Reef golf course in 1985 and I was a “talented amateur” with potential at the time. So, as it happens, any junior pro held a card that enabled them access to any course in the country. I used to spend every Monday playing against these guys and with the exception of P. Lonard, (Oatlands) used to take a few bucks off em.

But one day early at The Reef, James was filling in for another guy who couldn’t hit it for an hour or two, which was his day off. We were joined by another assistant pro from Castle Cove golf club who we will call MB. (Mark Baker)

This guy was a druggie who was near on seven feet tall and when he wasn’t spraying drives dead-right would preach “spirituality” and how substance consumption further enhances the whole deal.

I never liked him.

For Gods sake Toddy…cut to the chase.

Anyway, this twat shows up at the Pro Shop one day and drops his keys.

James picks em up…

…and slips em to me.

MB has no idea what’s going on and neither do I.

But then I “twig”.

James had organised a game of golf at New South Wales…(which is a seriously good course that I had never played before.) But we had no way to get there.

But we had now.

I slipped out of the shop and located the “three on the tree” HQ Holden, and grabbed MB’s dope stash from the glove-box. So we sent him to the clubhouse to speak to the barman to notify of the missing keys. So the bar guy hands him his grass (clued-up) and advises that all will be fine.

So we steal his car.

Giggled all the way to La Perouse, we did.

After 18 holes we did the same back.

“How the fuck does this work James…you know…the handover?”

“Just f@%kin’run.”

“But the clubs are in the boot!”

“No probs.”

Sure enough, MB was there (at 4pm) prostrate on the gravel having “blown” his stash.

The motor was parked-up and the keys were placed by his ear lobe.

He never knew.

Apparently it was hydroponic shit.

Ta.

It wasn’t “The” James Morley that played today. ‘twas the ‘tother.

Wheels was the capitano.

TEAM:

(batting order)

Oh…here we go…scorecard?

When the Whistle Blows…(are you ‘aving a laugh?)

The team was…

Philipe

Handsee

Staples

Jaapie Luke

Wheeler the Sheila

Hmmm…I’m scared of Pete

Toy-boy…Neil

Slipped disco-Barret

Hope ya head gets better Ravi

A similar-named individual to James Morley

Anal Scott

Match report?

You know the deal.

I am mentally bored now.

I suggested maybe 4 years ago that the sheets be loaded onto here so the general illiterate public may ask for assistance to realise accomplishments.

It aint happened.

So ‘ere we go…

15^th August apparently.

Misfits v Anza.

Childsy got out for 19…Handsy 41…Staples retired on 40…Jaapie-Luke, out for 32 (can bat)…Sheila scored 45 and hit THE biggest six of ALL Misfit time…batting at the road end…I was umpiring…went over middle-stump…over the screen…over the school…never heard it land…Moose, Juzzy…you aint seen anything like it.

Pete also had a “little” knock…(if 53 runs off 17 balls constitutes that) 4 sixes in 4 balls was great to watch.

Ravi, James and Anil then did jack-shit.

But 281 off 30 was always gonna win it.

James Morley got hit for a bunch as he opened the bowling as Anza needed runs quickly. Barrett, from the other end went OK despite the back trouble.

Look!

They got em out for 194

Worst figures were from James Morley who went for 42 from 4 overs.

Karma baby.

If you aid and abet “grand-theft auto” then of course it will come back to bite you in the arse.

And if you wanna argue with me…let’s play golf sometime.

I’ll drive.

This day promised a lot.

Not just on cricketing terms but because it also represented the last time we would see Moose and Juzzy in a Misfit shirt for some time.

A large crowd was expected to see the last of them.

But it was really only Stewey Campbell who showed up to support. (But that was only because he cant make it for the drink on Wednesday.)

Also it was a chance for us to humiliate Sully in front of his old teammates as he was for playing for our opponents, the visiting team from Clogsville, De Keiveten Cricket club. A late ring-in for them also was Phillip Childs but this only counter-balanced the standard of the two teams as the Misfits line-up was stacked with quality batting, with only Hammers late withdrawal due to illness reducing the quality of our bowling.

But anyway, we were gonna be graceless hosts and send the visitors back to the hash cafes to seriously consider ever messing with us again in our backyard.

Another good omen was seeing Pete Alexander arrive at CSC via Pritams shop and carrying yet another new bat. No joke, in the four years I have played with Pete he has gone through more bats than I have ever owned since my tenth birthday when I got the Slazenger Polyarmour. (size harrow)

I reckon Pete has cracked more wood than John Holmes.

So we were to bat first and Juzzy and Grazza went out and we smugly sat back and awaited the carnage to begin. And we didn’t wait long. The Dutch opening bowler (from Australia) looked to be reasonably quick and the sixth ball yorker that took Juzzys middle stump confirmed our suspicions. So next over it was Sully to bowl to Grazza and as the first ball full toss was mid pitch we anticipated our first six of the innings. Instead we saw our second wicket fall with the removal of the leg stump.

If memory serves correctly the next wicket a few balls later took some-ones off stump so we now had the “big three” gone for one, maybe two, runs. (and they were wides)

Nice.

But Alexander the Great was out there now, with the new stick.

And the first ball he faced scattered us from our seats as it landed in the little flower bed right in front of us. OK…normal programming has been resumed. But only very briefly. Giri offered me the score sheet to write this report but I suggested it wouldn’t be necessary as only four guys (yes, that’s 4) scored runs. The best of the rest was Moose who managed to remain not out without scoring.

Appsy was the best of a bad bunch with 19 including a lovely straight six over the sight screen.

Misfits, all out for 59. I kid you not. If runs and inches were the same thing we fell short of Giris waist measurement.

I once read that if two women share a flat the chances are good that within a few months together they will menstruate at the same time, as their cycles align. This could be true. Well I have finally discovered the male equivalent and The Misfits are responsible for it. If success breeds success as they say, there has to be a flip side.

Like any close-knit team we band together. If one of us cops a blob then most of us follow suit. Whether it’s a sympathy thing, I don’t know, but if there was any good to come out of yesterdays performance it’s that I feel even further bonded with my fellow-blobbees. Wickets-wise, it turned out to be a “heavy day”. In all fairness to the visiting bowlers they cramped us for room. They drew first blood early and effectively had us on a string, and even though some of us padded-up we failed to stem the flow. This all led to an usually high level of moodiness in the ranks, with some of the guys even declining a beer and choosing to imbibe a fruit tea infusion as they sat alone and pondered re-arranging the furniture at home later that night should be so lucky as to remember where they parked the car earlier that day, so they could actually make it home.

I might add that this dismal performance confused more people than the actual players, and Lorraine the scorer.

Being that the innings lasted just the ten overs (true) the catering staff hadn’t even had the time to exercise their Michellin Star skills and peel the plastic off the cheese slices nor cut the cucumber. So we decided to get straight back out there and defend our “total”.

Really though, what can I say?

It was never gonna take long.

Only Lats did anything remotely good by bowling five overs, taking a wicket, and going for only three runs. Confidence was low on the field with most guys feeling decidedly unfresh and just hoping it would all end quickly and soon. And it did. The runs were scored and it was agreed that the “Mull Boys” would bat out their thirty overs and send us back in. But thankfully the storm clouds, lightning and thunder appeared and not only did it match our demeanour, but ensured that it was all over for another month.

By now the beers had appeared and slowly the “boys” became more jovial. But Mikey (not being his usual self) ordered a drink that was green in colour when mixed with what was described as a “banana liqueur”. Let’s hope that is just a phase. Thankfully all of the other guys stuck to Heineken and didn’t venture on to Red Bull. Because that stuff “gives you wings”.

And we already had them.
 

EPILOGUE

Presentations were made with the traditional swapping of team shirts etc.

In possibly one of the most innocent and least-knowledgeable gestures of all time Giri was presented with a tie. But seriously though, what do you give a man who has everything? Oh, I know…how about a dettol-bath and a scrub with a wire brush?

Full politically incorrect & journalistically licenced match report posted on the Misfit BBC Chatboard..... see the "British Club" thread. If you'd like access and dont know how, drop the club captain a note at misfitscricket@yahoo.com.sg

I like a bit of Star Trek now and again. Now I’m not a huge fan, I don’t own any of the gear or anything, but I did sadly note last week the passing of one of the stars of the second Star Trek movie ‘The Wrath of Khan’, the film’s main protagonist and Khan himself, Ricardo Montalban.

In that movie brilliant renegade of 20th Century Earth Khan has raided Space Station Regula One, stolen a top secret device called Project Genesis, wrested control of another Federation starship, and now schemes to set a most deadly trap for his old enemy Kirk, with the threat of a universal Armageddon!

It felt a bit like that on the pitch on Saturday, following an announcement by ESPN skipper Christie, half way through their innings, that mercenary Misfit and SCC 1^st XI stalwart Childsy had been added to the sporting channels already impressive looking ranks.

Khanage let fly with a few choice words on the news and I’ve a feeling that if he’d had access to a phaser, both Christie and Childsy would’ve been cosmic dust.

The day, no the week, hadn’t started well for our erstwhile skipper. His (and my) beloved Chelsea had been trounced by the Scummers from Manchester and, to add insult to injury, they were showing the game at CSC as we arrived.

Khanage then proceeded to lose the toss on perhaps the warmest day in about two months, with both our opening bowlers nowhere to be seen.

Eventually Sully did show, just as we were heading out, but Grazza was nowhere to be seen. Ranga manfully stepped into the breach.

The opening salvos were fierce. Sully certainly bowled as quick as I’d seen him, although a wee bit short, forcing the batsmen to play off the back foot and to hop around a fair bit. Ranga was solid at the other end, getting the ball to shape away slightly from the right handers.

Both were relatively economical and ESPN had accumulated only 27 off the first 7 overs for the loss of one opener, to about the first ball that Sully pitched up.

Grazza had by this time stumbled on to the pitch. It’s funny; I don’t think I’ve actually ever seen him sober at a game. As your scribe politely asked how he was feeling Grazza, as quick as a flash noted that: “I think I’m sober, but me breath isn’t.”

He then proceeded to get thrashed about by ESPN’s very competent No.3, Unmish, who looked threatening.

Ravi was keeping it tight at the other end and, after two overs, Grazza was replaced by your scribe. ESPN’s Unmish, had moved effortlessly to 35, including a sweetly stuck straight 6 off Ravi.

As is often the case after such cavalier batting, next ball, Ravi had his man, with Mikey V spilling an edge behind the stumps, only for Grazza, through blurred vision, somehow managing to hold onto the rebound. There were palpable sighs of relief all round, not least from me, as I would have had to bowl to him next.

In stepped ESPN captain Christie, after he’d nurdled a couple round the pitch, he also took out the long iron and looked to hit Ravi straight. The blow was good and looked to be heading for a maximum then, out of the shadows of the sightscreen, appeared Stafan who, cool as you like, pouched the catch.

Drinks were taken, but the tranquillity of a very pleasant sunny afternoon at CSC was torn asunder as the opposing captain let fly with his bat and a number of well chosen obscenities. A dummy spit of epic proportions.

At this point they decided Childsy had joined the ranks.

ESPN set about rebuilding their innings after drinks, with progress steady rather than spectacular off Ravi, Stefan, Mano and myself.

ESPN No. 4 Shagad lead the effort mixing boundaries including a pulled 6 off me,(from a length on off stump), with an awful lot of playing and missing, again mostly off me. Finally he fell, bowled middle stump by your scribe, who also had the next batter caught behind in the next over, on the last ball of the spell.

Grazza got one more over, and was tonked again, Sully picked up another wicket, and ESPN suffered a comical run out.

In walks Childs.

First ball he imperiously swats over cover for four, but it is not to be his day. Next ball Mano gets one to shape away, Childs looks to flay it through the covers again, this time though an edge, off what I believe is the end of the bat, and Mickey V takes a good catch behind the stumps.

No coming back from that, and soon ESPN all out for 172 in the 30^th over.

Sully 6-1-16-2, Ranga 4-0-28-1, Ravi 4-0-19-2, Grazza 3-0-30-0, Steve B 6-0-34-2, Stefan 3-0-16-0, Mano 3-0-15-1

Lunch is taken, with the two skippers appearing on the verge of mental disintegration as both seem to be muttering and complaining to themselves about perceives injustices, sad.

We opened with Stefan and Grazza and while Stefan departed cheaply both Grazza and Appsey, our No 3, took advantage of a lightning fast outfield. Grazza playing some stylish drives down the ground, while Appsy seem to favour square of the wicket.

In no time we had sprinted to 69 off just 8 overs and while the ESPN bowlers were by no mean poor, they appeared to have no answer to this Anglo-Australian duo.

Appsy fell to a catch, but Grazza was still going great guns and was joined by ESPN employee Micky V.

Now I don’t know what was put in his Weetabix that morning, but it appeared that Mickey V had something to prove to his employer. Off like a train Mickey dispatched the ball to all corners of the ground, his first five scoring shots being fours.

It was only later that I found out the reason for his urgency.

Facing a ball speared into his body early in the innings, Mickey defensively pushed the ball away from hitting him in the crown jewels. As he recovered, to his horror, he realised he was in the middle sans box!

Grazza departed after we got to 100 in the 14^th over and from there it was a bit of a cake walk. The game was wrapped up in over 25, with Khanage and Sully at the crease.

Micky V 39, Grazza 38, Appsy 22 Khanage 22no, Sully 17no.

Both side appeared to be evenly matched, but the lads at the top of our order really managed to put the foot down from the start of the innings, while the bowlers never let ESPN batsmen get away too far.

Beers were drunk and a very pleasant afternoon was finished off by a hardcore group heading to Bojangles at Balmora.

The Wrath of Khan(age) had been tempered.

Hi all,

Well the idea of bringing back the Original Ashes is certainly a good one.

17 guys and three lovely young ladies came down to the CSC on Saturday to play in a game of cricket between the English and the Aussies.

The idea of this game was that everyone got a bowl and a bat and made sure they had a curry and a lot of beers during and after the game!

Due to the late withdraw of the Aussie captain Ferg accepted the challenge off taking on the job. He got lucky straight away as he won the toss and decided to bat.

Now it was so hot on Saturday that some of my boys upon hearing that I had lost the toss just wanted to stick to the beers and forget about this running about lark called cricket.

Anyways we went out onto the field with some beers on hand just in case!

The Aussies started of well and continued to bat well and in that heat the 25 overs felt like 50.

They went on to post 172-5 off their 25 overs.

Now forgive me as my memory is blur after quite a big Saturday night watching the IPL and then seeing my boys lose in the FA Cup and I lost the score sheet so I can only remember Ferg retiring in their batting!

Anyways we went out to bat knowing we had quite a bit to do to get the 173 needed.

We started off quite slow getting to the drinks break at ard 57-4.

Then the game changed ….Nishan came in and started to hit the ball to all corners of the ground retiring on 25 bringing myself to the crease with Elliot.

Between the 3 of us we hit over 70 odd runs in just 5 overs …..i even surprised myself as I haven’t had a knock like that in quite a while!

I must mention Jack and Sherpa who set us up just beforehand and came back in later on to see us past the 172 total to win by 3 wickets!

All in all was a great team effort by my lads …not only us but by the Aussies as well who gave us a great game.

I know I left for the pub Saturday evening knowing that I had had a great day and im sure everyone felt the same.

Long live the Original Ashes!

Weasel.

The Misfits warriors stretched and crawled out of bed early for a 12:30 start against the pride of the Singapore Cricket Club; the mighty Cheetahs, fresh from their T20 tournament win in 2008. Except Ranga, who was late.

SCC skipper Richard “Galaxy” Holloway won the toss and sent the Misfits in to bat. Skipper Inzy pointed the bone at Rhakesh and Grazza, and the battle was joined. A fiery start from SCC opening bowlers Nic Winterson and Misfit turncoat James “Bird” Grant-Wetherill soon had the Misfits reeling (both figuratively and literally).

With Rhakesh back under the tender ministrations of the CSC waiting staff, Alex “Khanage” Khan strode purposefully out to face his Singapore nemesis. Imagine Khanage’s surprise when Grazza ducked into a gentle half-tracker from Winterson and blocked a chest-high delivery with his forehead. Off to hospital for Grazza, and he wasn’t to be seen again until the beers came out several hours later.

Nic “Coco” Power, flushed with the recent success of his enormous nuts, crept out from under the awning, and Cheetahs smelt blood (which isn’t surprising as Grazza left a pint of Pommy claret on the deck). Khanage was on his way shortly after, and the Misfits were in trouble 2 down after a handful of overs, and Grazza on his way to A&E, carefully balancing a curry and a pint of lager on his knees in the taxi.

Richard “Inzy” Stapley-Oh and Coco steadied the ship to put on a handy partnership of 60 or 70. Inzy retired with his half-century, and Coco put on a creditable 30 odd which brought Jamie “Sully” O’Sullivan to the crease with Ravi. Sully sucked as usual, and departed without greatly troubling the Misfits scorer, Chief Hack and habitual whinger, Toddy. “I fkn hate scoring, will someone take over? Waaaaah.”

Ravi batted with flair. To cut a long, and mostly boring story short, the Misfits put on 210 in 35 overs, everyone got a bat (including Ranga, who was late), which, on the lightning quick outfield of the CSC, was going to make for an interesting second half.

Childsy was given the first over and the choice of ends, and proceeded to throw down two extremely sharp, erratic and ultimately hopeless overs to the SCC openers, who, to their credit, were still their despite sh*tting themselves about having to face Childsy on a wicket where one of their very, very ordinary medium pace trundlers collected an English scalp, leaving a trail of forensic evidence on the wicket.

Sully bowled very well, beating the bat on several occasions, at the other end. Childsy, having sprayed it in all directions, was dragged after a couple, with Rhakesh coming on to try to stem the hemorrhaging. After eventually losing their openers (one of whom was fired LBW to Sully, who didn’t even appeal – great stuff Giri!) and number three, the SCC produced a couple of gems, Riaz Hussien and Appu Ponusammy Despite excellent bowling from Sully, Raj, Ravi, Rhakesh, Ranga and Manoj, and some awful fielding from Sully, Raj and Ranga (who was late), the SCC made the runs fairly comfortably and won the match. Special mention to Raj who, despite fielding like a muppet, bowled superbly.

Beers and chicken 65 followed, and much fun was had at Sully’s expense. Misfits Moment Of The Day™ had to be Sully dropping a skied ball right in front of the SCC shed (to the great hilarity of the opposition), and Skipper Inzy sending him from third man to third man for the next few overs to have a good long think about himself.

Rhakesh supped from the cup of life, concluding the formalities for what was a thoroughly enjoyable day. We look forward to the return match on the Padang later in the year.

“Being called to any “bar” apparently means you can be a lawyer” – or so it appeared on another hot and humid day at CSC as the two teams arrived for pre match banter. Why do you say this? You may well ask, for apparently over the course of the previous 48 hours apparently some illustrious Mercenary Misfit members had apparently become “Legal Eagles” but, strangely looked like Grazza and Handsy!

Both sides appeared to be evenly matched with a number of well known “faces” in each teams from SCC and ANZA.

Misfits stalwart and Bojangles “Platinum card” holder Abhi has his usual pre-match ritual of a chat and a cigarette before he then proceeded to lose the toss and thus forcing the Misfit XI into the field first for the second week in a row. Nothing unusual there apart from the fact that Abhi waited until Misfits took to the field and then declared he had agreed a 32 over match – thanks skipper!

Misfits opened with Baggers and Sudhir and proceeded to menace but rarely threaten the batsmen’s wickets. Up steps the Skipper Abhi, 1 over, 4 runs, 1 wicket – clean bowling the oppos skipper Moiz – nuff said! Bizarrely, Abhi then takes himself off and hands the ball to Rear Admiral Nara who, despite serving a nice opening over buffet to Handsy QC managed to have Handsy QC caught on the long on boundary – much to the surprise of the batsman. Despite his opening over going for 9 runs – Nara returned figures of 6 overs, 21 runs, 3 wickets.

Baggers – 6 overs, 1 maiden, 27 runs, 0 wickets

Sudhir – 5 overs, 0 maidens, 36 runs, 1 wicket

Runs were being scored freely and a rate of over 6 an over with the Legals junior advocate Rezza calmly taking care of business. This had Abhi looking to his fellow Misfits legend – Latts! Never one to spoil a game too soon, Latts waited until his 4^th over before removing the young Rezza LBW for 40, 24 of which cam in boundaries. This brought to the crease the opposition skipper Mahmood who struck a nice 34 before Latts struck again snaring his man on the boundary with another catch. When will the batsmen learn, slog Latts at your own peril!

Latts – 7 overs, 1 maiden, 33 runs, 2 wickets

Despite a spirited knock of 30 from Nick Power (trying to impress his wife who found Cosmo more interesting than watching him bat and who could blame her!).

Nara was back to see off the tail of the Legals – with a hat trick beaconing only to have Nick Power dropped by James “Teflon” Black on the third ball – given a chance to rescue a glum situation when Latts asked him “did you not pick that, I didn’t” Teflon replied with – “no mate saw it all the way” !

The fine was duly imposed.

Legal Eagles 176 for 9 off 32 overs.

Abhi duly selected his openers and so it was that James “Teflon” Black and yours truly Khanage took to the field. First “dibs” was received by Teflon from Moiz bowling left arm seam up with the Legals skipper Mahmood bowling “bombs” opening up from the other end. Needing over 5 an over, Teflon decided to go after the bombs and duly kept Misfits up with the run rate. An entertaining innings was bought to an end when the junior advocate Rezza caught Teflon on the boundary with a well judged catch – J “T” Black out for 15 – 12 in boundaries.

In strode Abhi to join Khanage with the total at 29 off 6 overs to face Grazza (who had considerably improved on his wayward, drunken bowling spell from the previous week when I was skipper by bowling straight, tight and getting lift – cheers mate!) Abhi managed to play and miss 5 balls before one hit Abhi’s bat to give Grazza a maiden over. Then much to the scribe’s surprise, Abhi was seen walking off back to the pavilion complaining that he had trapped wind and that he could not bat on!

Nara came and went despite looking up for the harshest of attacks (and his fan club in full force on the sidelines, or were they watching the ODI on the telly?) – Victim to the junior advocate Rezza’s leg spin bowling. In strides Baggers and duly dispatched the young man for boundary after boundary and confirmed to the scribe – if it’s short it’s going, if its straight it’s going, to which I replied – it’s going then! Misfits were now 85 for 2 off 15 and on course for the target.

Khanage duly retired on 67 after some rather helpful encouragement from Inzy and his First World War bombs with Misfits on 125 for 2 from 17 overs at over 7 an over.

(Web editors note: Khanage is being far to modest here – his knock was both beguiling & illustrious – with the 1^st Ashes game almost upon us, it had SMS’s flying through cyberspace to England skipper Jezza Smith)

Baggers continued to dispatch the Legal bowlers with ease that saw his last 22 runs out of 56 come off just 7 balls including two large 6’s! The score was now 150 for 3 off 20 overs.

Mikey V and Ravi saw the Misfits home with an unbeaten stand of 27 and it was all over at 177 off 24 overs for 3 wickets – job well done!

Khanage 67, Baggers 56

Great fun, great spirit was shown by both sides in a thoroughly enjoyable game. Cold beers were consumed and fines handed out amidst good banter – a true Misfit day!

“Captaincy is 90 per cent luck and 10 per cent skill. But don't try it without that 10 per cent.” - Richie Benaud

Following last year’s agonizing last ball defeat at the hands of the SACC (Saigon Australian Cricket Club) the Misfits put together a formidable team to face the tourists from Vietnam, despite a number of last minute, high profile, drop outs.

Even the designated skipper, Inzy, got the day wrong and we found ourselves rudderless on the eve of this encounter. A rather truculent Mayor of Boay Quay, unimpressed with my fashioning of our calamitous defeat last year, tried hard to dissuade the committee from reappointing me for this annual fixture… he’d had four bottles of vodka… but, due to what looked like some last minute horse trading, I was advised by Inzy that I would indeed have the honour again.

The plan…  get them as pissed as we could Friday night, win the toss and stick them in the sun.

Friday night finished for many of the SACC lads at around 4am… drinks at the Cavern was followed by visits to some of Singapore’s seedier ghettos… tequila was drunk …  and they  looked a little worse for wear when I rolled up at CSC for the game.

The toss went up, the SACC skipper called heads, and it was tails… my job was done for the day!

The SACC were inserted… much mumbling was heard from their ranks… our lads looked very pleased.

We got off to a cracking start as openers Abi and Hoosier knocked the ball around comfortably. Even in the early stages of the game the SACC lads looked a little weary, but they stuck to it. Their bowling, unusually, was a little ragged and our guys cashed in. We were 30 off three overs!

Hossier eventually got out after play very attractively for 26, Pete Alexander came in and started smashing it around, departing  for a rapid fire 21.

At the first drinks break, after only ten overs, the SACC lads looked knackered and we had around 85 on the board.

Abi and Nara both retired for well crafted 30’s while Hammer and Toddy quickened our run rate, mashing sixes at will, and also retiring. Raj, who Nara swore blind doesn’t bat, and was suggested for the number 11 position, scored a good 23 going in at eight.

As the SACC lads trudged off the park our batting lineup had fired and we amassed a formidable 248/3 off 30 overs,.

What happened at the beginning of their innings really defined how the game would go. Hammer and Raj opened, both putting it on the spot in their first over respectivly. SACC’s star batsman, who we had never dismissed, looked quite comfortable… that was until Hammer’s second over.

To be quite honest I think it was one of the best I’ve seen bowled in Singapore. Hammer had the ball on a string and was bowling at good pace. Their “Gun” batsman lined up the first to be smashed back past Hammer, but the ball, just short of a length, rushed pasted him. He looked wearily down the pitch. The end result was that he didn’t put bat to ball in the next five deliveries!

SACC wre already way behind the run rate. Their captain Rigger was at the other end and we deployed two gullies, to cut off his one scoring shot.

Hammers third over was also a beauty and, while he was wicketless, he’d bowled three overs for only seven runs, the last two being almost unplayable. Raj was bowling well at the other end, so by the time six overs had gone there were on around 25 and struggling.

Hammer took a break and Toddy entered the attack. The “Gun lined him up and the first ball went over square leg for six. Toddy strode manfully back to his mark. The second ball was smeared for four. The third smashed back over his head for six…  Expletives were heard echoing round the ground.

Toddy had seen the “Gun” off, with him retiring.

Toddy bounced back well, picking up a couple of wickets and bowling tightly for the remainder of his overs and taking, 2/23. Raj finished off his  spell, taking 1/27.

SACC were never really in it. Griggsy, switching ends after whinging, looked good, taking 2/24, including the “Gun” when he returned ,with the game already out of reach. Abhi, bowling spin, took 3/18.

The SACC had been crushed and there may, I say may, have even been the trace of a smile on Pete Alexander’s face.

Beers and a curry were consumed at the ground after the game…  then the SACC were treated to another night out at some of Singapore’s less salubrious establishments by yours truly and a few other Misfits.

12:15 in the afternoon was probably the time at which Australia put themselves in with the best shot at taking the second game of the Ashes...Inzy,against all social cricket laws sent the English in to bat on a field that was wetter than a Cronulla Shark groupie in New Zealand...

Toddy pinned them down at one end with ferocious line and length, while Jig confused them with his length variations, the perfect combination to hamstring the top order, Hansie fell first... the stingyness of the openers set the Englsh up for a fall...

First change saw Baggers flick the ciggy to the boundary and put his (17^th) beer behind the rope and mark out his run-up. 3.5 runs per over was all that he allowed for his 4 overs, pinning one end down so that Slick could throw some hand grenades... Precious Phil who showed such dicipline early in his innings (yawn) tried to drive slick back past the stumps, but cat like reflexes and an Australian will to survive saw Slick taking a screamer off his own bowling....

The talent in the English side going on the cheap was a great start, and Rad would have gone too, but a long held tradition amoungst Australian’s representing their country was upheld when Flamer clearly caught Rad at mid off but called him back when he had a doubt in his mind. Rad went on to play a fine innings, top scoring at 29 off just 37 balls.

Enter Flamer... Shane Warne and Murili had a love chile in 1982... his name was flamer... Rad showed little respect qand it cost him,Kelly taking the bails off out of his ground... Then in fine Australian tradition, respect was paid to the Ebnglish “captain”(how many were there??) as Sully ran onto the pitch. 14 deliveries was all that he managed to keep out before probably the finest over of leg spin bowling this country has ever seen took place. Sully,more confused than Macaulay Culkin having a sleep over with Michael Jackson, fell to a wrongun that ripped back from outside off stump to take middle. Salty and Jezza fell in quick succesion and the bulk of the work was done. 7/107. But all was not lost, the tail wagged (Foster 20, Whisken 25) and the last 3 piled on 1/3 of the score with England stumbling into the club house with 156 on the board.

The Aussies were up next.A ferocious start from England proved that shit really does gets wickets... The top 4 graciously leaving the pitch with only 22 on the board. Englands opening pair bowled well, with Sully leading from the front with a fine display of bowling, pinning the Aussies down with figures of 1 for just 20 runs off 6 over, paving the way for lats to clock up 3 wickets for just 40 runs... Their tails were up, the field was in, chants of “come on boys!” were echoing through the stands...

Flamer strolled to the crease to slow the collapse, and when it was captain couragous’s turn, it marked the beginning of a golden age... 94 off just 77 runs was the partnership, the nail in Engalnds coffin. The shot of the day coming off Flamers bat when he rocked onto his back foot and sent Phil into the nets with a fine pull shot. Inzy, with the innings of the day scored 41 off just 25 balls. With the scene set for a landmark vistory,Wadey shook off a severe case of swine flu, needing only to spend time at the crease to assure a win. After getting his eye in on the way to the crease, he then proceeded to smash his first ball over cow corner for 6, finally adding 23 off just 16 balls There was a bit of a scare with Salty’s effort bowling at the lower order, claiming3/21 off 3 overs, but it was all too little too late... The Aussies cruised to victory with Jig adding to his impressive figures of 3 for 36 with a fine 18... Toddy and Slick, guiding us the rest of the way.

Best Tosser.... Flamer 4/37 off 6 : Master Batter.. Inzy 41 off 25