The Players

Shane Ryan (Skip), Damian Ryan (Hot Rod), Giri (Jedi Master), Nishan (Young Jedi), Nick Ohlin (Moose), Eddie Beveridge (TC's Nemesis), Dougy Foster (Fines’ Master), Mot (Number 8).

The Taranaki Misfit Holy Grail

You may be asking what is the Taranaki Misfits’ Holy Grail? Well you have to start at the beginning.

Day 1 - Seven holy travellers arrived at their destination. The Porn Ping Hotel, Chiang Mai. Having travelled many different paths, in gruelling conditions, the disciples were tired and thirsty.

And so it began.

Skip suggested a quiet afternoon relaxing with a massage and Pimms, Jedi Master thought otherwise and decided to plot the take over of the BBC in his hotel room. Cocktails were announced at 7.00pm and the Taranaki Misfits converged on a free bar and drank themselves into a collective stupor before setting off for an evening’s entertainment in Chiang Mai. Young Jedi, hanging onto the coat-tails of Jedi Master, decided to resume his training in the art of Sambuca drinking. Jedi Master warned against the perils of the sugar content, however the young Jedi took no heed and began his week in fine style, destroying Skip and the rest of his playmates.

Now Skip had had a vision and persuaded the organisers to give the Misfits a day off, before the cricket even began.

Day 2 - Was spent eagerly awaiting the arrival of Moose, who unfortunately was late as they lost his prosthetic limbs at the airport. To kill the time, more San Miguel was consumed. Skip convinced us this was good altitude conditioning. Some cricket was watched and TC’s Nemesis plotted the downfall of the great under-arm bowler Trevor Chappell. A plan was hatched and we could not wait to get started with the cricket.

Day 3 - The Taranaki Misfit were handed their beautiful, Buddhist-blessed pink latex playing shirts and we stepped onto the field for the first time. Jedi Master and TC's Nemesis issued instructions and we set out against Trevor Chappell's Warathais. The Taranaki Misfits went down fighting, however TC's Nemeses played the shot of the tournament, driving Chappell off one leg through mid-on. To surpass this great achievement, TC's Nemesis then captured the prized wicket of Trevor, when he was simply too quick for him. Beaten with pace, Trevor fended one of his nose and Skip ran thirty yards, dived and caught the ball one handed. The ground erupted, Trevor was inconsolable and TC'S Nemeses cried "Payback for the Kiwis you b#stard ".

Now to cut a long story short, more games followed.

Played five - Lost four, Won one (The Annual Taranaki Taverners/Misfits - Sa Pa CC Ashes Trophy Challenge).

Individual performances were varied

· - TC's Nemesis carried on his heroic efforts with bat, and ball whilst balancing vodka bottles on his nose.

· - Young Jedi performed well, bowling his crafty pommy medium/spin pace.

· - Hot Rod revved up his Honda 50cc and batted like Ricky Ponting to win us the Sa Pa Ashes. At one stage the crowd were asked to don helmets as Hod Rod peppered the boundary.

· - Skip managed to face three balls all week, however was near perfect with the gloves apart from the one that crushed his crown jewels

- Moose "The Great White Hope" strapped on his wooden leg and fielded like Jonty Rhodes before he headed to Singapore to sign off with the Misfits!

Now non-cricketing highlights of the weeks were many, however here are a few ,

· - Jedi Master strolling round the corridors of the Porn Ping Hotel in his boxers and green t-shirt.

· - Young Jedi running near-naked round a pool table and then repairing his shorts with a tampax string.

· - TC's Nemesis cornering Trevor Chappell in Tuskers and telling Trevor how much greater a cricketer he could have been if only he had followed TC's Nemesis life ethics.

· - Hot Rod ripping up the streets of Chiang Mai on his 50cc Honda. Anyone seen the movie Ghost Rider?

· - Just the sight of seeing Skip in the mornings after he had spent a night with Young Jedi and a Sambuca bottle.

· - Number 8 and her bed-time stories.

- Moose and Young Jedi who spent 5 hours choosing a bottle of wine - "wine experts apparently" & then drinking a pint of Tiger instead cause "they did not like it".

And so the week came to an end. Young Jedi surpassed himself and was awarded the Taranaki Misfit 2009 Tourist Of The Year. Congratulations Young Jedi!

Epilogue

This is simply a week for men! And we are calling on all Misfits to join the cause in 2010. If you think your livers can survive, then this is a week for you. A chance to play on one of the prettiest cricket venues around, a chance to drink yourself to oblivion and beyond. A chance to embrace the wonders and nightlife of Chiang Mai. And the only way to discover Taranaki Misfits’ Holy Grail.

See you next year.

Duncan

The Misfits fronted with two teams for this year’s event The “Master Batters” and the “League of Extraordinary Misfit Gentlemen”….no prizes for guessing who came up with that name. The fact that the gents (as I am going to call them for the sake of saving space) were also kitted out in a style reminiscent of Tom Selleck circa 1978 should clarify for anyone still in doubt.

I am not going to go into detail about every game, partly because it would take too long, but mostly because my sole involvement in the weekend was spectating and drinking, so I just don’t remember. What I can remember though is that it pissed down with rain for most of the weekend and that there was some seriously weird stuff going on; let me give you some examples…..

- Stu Campbell was still sober when I arrived at midday on Saturday.

- Malcolm was BOWLING!!

- Machine took two wickets in two balls (including the eventual batsman of the tournament.)

- Matt Ford (I know he was playing for someone else, but still a Misfit) actually hit a six

- Ash Perrott played without sunscreen or a big white floppy hat (I told you it was wet)

- Hammer was bowling off 3 steps (still 2 yards quicker than anyone else)

- Hammer dropped a catch!!!!! I am serious, HAMMER dropped a catch, never thought I would see it.

And Weirdest of all the Gents were actually winning a couple of games, most extraordinarily against the visitors from Kuwait, who ended up topping their group. The Gents went on to face the other “Gents” from the SCC in the bowl final…..and bugger me they won, despite one of the best overs of the tournament being bowled by Steve Blaxhall who a little dazed and confused after 2 weeks of cigars and Rum in Cuba, got on the wrong team bus and ended up playing for the SCC. I say one of the best overs, because THE  best over was bowled by Lorraine.

The natural order of things had been seriously disturbed.

One thing that was the same however was Pete and Nara batting like superstars….In 6 games over the course of the weekend, the MB’s only lost 1 wicket and that was a run out in a 1 over shoot-out….Jezza Smith batting at 3 faced about 10 balls in the whole weekend. However it seems that this was not enough.

One thing I have learned is that you can only stare down Fate and laugh in its face for so long before it bites you on the Arse. Same is true for German Shepherds and (in my admittedly limited experience) Brazilian Women.

And so it was in the final against the other SCC side “The Players” that Fate showed her (I am calling fate her, because surely no male could be so bloody vindictive) teeth and things went a little bit pear-shaped. Hammer bowled a wide. Pete bowled a couple (his first of the weekend) Ash Perrot who last bowled a wide in 1993 bowled one as well….I think Nara may have too……Jig on the other hand only went for 3 runs from his 5 balls, continuing his great form that saw him very unlucky to miss out on the best bowler award.

The upshot was that the SCC boys posted a very challenging total of 61 (26 balls) which is a very impressive strike rate of 235, even with 20 extra runs coming from wides.

Pete and Nara went in to bat and everyone was still feeling reasonably confident, after all they had flayed each and every attack they had faced so far. 18 off the first over (5 ball overs by the way), 17 off the second….bloody hell, 27 for victory from 15 balls, this may not be out of reach after all….Unfortunately the final ball of the second over had been crushed into oblivion by Pete and the resultant delay seemed to take the momentum out of the innings. Nara went on to retire Pete got close, but in the end we finished 4 runs (the equivalent of 1 wide…Fate you BITCH) short.

So yet another year of heartbreak for the Misfits Master Batters, and a year of triumph for Gents.

We will be back next year with a team determined to regain what we all know is rightfully our trophy.

Your Misfit Teams were

Master batters - Runners up in the Shield (Top Tier)

Pete (who won the Player of the tournament award) Nara, Jezza, Jig (Who bowled amazingly and should have been bowler of the tournament), Ash, Hammer and Ramesh

The Extraordinary League of Misfit Gentlemen - Bowl Champions (Not so top tier) & Winners of the Best Dressed award

Nish, Lorraine, Machine, Malcolm, Natraj, Stuey, Mikey, Eddie Beveridge, Weasel and welcome back Johnny Hinge after a 5 year absence